Six weeks have come and gone, and yesterday I rejoined the workforce. On days that Cass was happy, alert and full of gentle coos, I dreaded this day. On days when he was extra fussy, I begged for it to come faster. Now I find myself wanting some impossible hybrid of both, a perpetual bring-your-child-to-work day...or a work-from-home situation that isn't an envelope-stuffing scam. Either way.
It was nice to feel good at something again, to know with absolute certainty that I'm doing things the 'right' way and to have black-and-white answers for all my questions. Raising a baby seems to be a constant guessing game where all the rule books say, "Most babies do this by such-and-such age, but every baby is different". Which, of course, means you're on your own to figure this thing out. Most of all, I welcomed the return to adult conversation. After all, you can only sing The Ants Go Marching so many times and I already have Where the Wild Things Are memorized.
On the flip side, I miss him. I miss his weight in my arms, his sweet sweat-and-milk smell (not sure how this combination comes off as sweet, but it does) and his gummy smile. I really enjoyed wearing house shoes all day and pumping definitely sucks. And I hate the feeling that I'm missing even the most imperceptible changes - maybe he's holding his head up a little longer today or making a new squeak, and I won't be there to see/hear it. Sad.
But, as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder and while I don't think it's possible to love him any more, I do feel that being apart makes me better appreciate being together - every day, every precious moment.
3 comments:
Wow, you are back at work? That is incredible. In Canada women get a year off before they need to go back to work. That will be a big adjustment - work and baby. Hope everything went well and that a good routine will settle in for you....and you won't miss a thing because whenever he does something you have not seen before...it will be new! I don't like pumping either :)
I love the idea of "a new squeak". Your reactions are so thoughtful and poignant and they're so different than every post-baby post I've read. Your writing, as always, is so very real and it is a pleasure to read.
Raina: Wow, a whole year of maternity leave?! That's wild...Canadians have their priorities straight :)
Beckie: Thank you! What a wonderful compliment. Likewise!
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